Xx_Leave my BLoodLeSs HeArT Alone_xX I'm Online

This is a perpetual suicide
This pain that lasts forever
I can’t get away or hide,
For there isn’t a time it’ll be over.

No, I’m stuck here for ever more
I wish I could get rid of this feeling inside
Perhaps lock it behind a closet door,
But instead, I must suffer my Perpetual Suicide.

I’m a damsel in distress, come to my rescue
Please help me out of this mess
I need someone as strong as you
To get me out of this, I confess

Oh please, just relieve me of this,
Relieve me from this painful existence.
Instead of all the pain, give me bliss.
Bring me out of this suicidal penance

Watch my suicidal thoughts become reality
Watch my soul inside break apart
Watch me tighten this rope of brutality
See the wicked actions of my heart

Watch me wrap it around my throat
Hear my scream, let me fulfill my dare
As i jump off, see my body float
Its magical, the way i hang in the air.

(4-13-08)

And as I sit here with my arms stretched out
Blood still coming from my skin
The only thoughts that go through my mind
Are the memories when I let you in
Into my head and into my heart so you could find
The sweet, lovable side you have yet to see.

And as I sit feeling the familiar sting
Feeling the blood just come out
Stare at the redness of all of this
Its so confusing, I can't help but miss
The times I was young and didn't care.

Stuck here by an invisible chain
See my loneliness turn into pain
Playing with food instead of eating it
No one talk to me, the dip sh*t.

Of course I'll make them see
Make them see the genius in me
No more sitting back, not talking
They'll see me get up and start walking

Start to walk away from you b*tches
It makes me laugh so hard, I'm left in stitches.
See all those dumb-founded looks on your faces
As you watch me put you rightly in your places.

You gave me so many tears
Created in me so many fears
By those hurtful words you spoke
So many times, this heart you broke

See it shatter as it hit the wall
Splatter it with blood as it falls
Thump as it falls on the floor
Watch it stop, it beats no more.

i hate myself.
i wish i could die
everyone puts me away on a shelf
never to be talked to, to satisfy

this stupid feeling inside
the feeling of acceptance
the feeling i cant hide
the feeling replaced by ignorance.

if only, if only, if only i think
to myself almost every night
to drift from this world by a drink
instead i have to stay here and fight

this stupid fucking war
against love and hate
when i dont want to feel anymore
i still keep feeling, that's my fate

That day I went to her funeral
Her coffin was up front and centered
Overwhelmed by feelings they couldn't control
People were crying even as they entered.

But of course, I was the only one
Who never truly knew this woman
The one who died before the sun
Had enough time to have risen.

Who was I to judge her life
The way her family described it
For I had never known her strife
never knew her pain, not even a bit

Will someone like me come through the door?
Someone who will come to my funeral
And enter just like those before
Surrounded by those losing control

Will she feel alone in her ignorance
Of the life that was going on near her
Will she just sit there as if in a trance
Following the crowd, but feel inferior

She sits in her little black dress
Thinking of how she never knew me
While everyone around her is a mess
Sobbing and weeping so quietly

Will she try to listen like I had
But eventually become unfocused
Will she end up being mad
At how much they fussed

At how the coffin would look
As though the dead woman would care
She wouldnt know how long it took
To make it beautiful, though it was simple and bare

Or will no one know who I was
Everyone just came because I died
Listen to a sermon and the pastor cuss
Is this what it comes to when everyone lied?

If they made up so many lies
About how i was great and kind
Saying nice things as if it justifies
How little they knew what was in my mind.

Don't you love to see them?
Just walking around the mall.
His arm 'round her; her arm 'round him.
So proud of their love, they stand tall.

But don't you feel lonely,
because you have no one.
No one to hold you so closely,
Don't you ever want that some one?

Many people ask me why
Why I cut and why I cry
But nobody would understand
Don't see the bruises on my hand

They never ask why they're there
Never asked cuz they don't care
All my bruises left unnoticed
Never wondered why I'm so pissed

They don't see him beating her up,
Never watched him fuck her up.
Just see her fall to the floor
So much pain, she can't breathe anymore.

Watch her get up, all on her own.
See her walk off, she's all alone.
Up the stairs and to her room,
Wished she never left the womb.

I knew I wasn't gonna be the prettiest
And never the most popular
But still those inadequate feelings took rest
And made me feel peculiar

Just as I became a teen, They evolved.
Those feelings made me self-conscious
The problems got complicated and rarely solved
And the frustrations made me cuss.

But as the months go on and on
And as the days go by
I suppress the horrid feelings by dawn
While I think, I cut, and cry.

Now I'm scarred on both my sides
On the inside and the out
Escaping through suicide
To live in hell, no doubt.