I sit alone thinking !

I see myself killing myself ever so slowly every day just little bit more .
Its true "You are dieing since the day your are born."
But........to feel it day by day and little by little hurts most of all !
Well im still smoking even after the tube in the chest?physicaly killing myself slowly.
I see every day how it affects my heath . making things worse .
I try to stop but then ...........
I dont mind it cause i sit and think of how cold this world isgetting and how part of me dont want to be around to see how much worse it will become .
So feeling like i just want to fade away.
I think of this for some resons like to tell you the truth ..........
I dont have any friends in real life .
I just sit on this cold thing typeing all the time
No ppl i see and hang with . it kills me inside and makes me just want to give up fighting and just let myself drift into the darkness where i came from or where i belong .
I sometime feel soulless and hopeless . i feel beatten up and forgotten .
Its getting so nice out side now and i never have anyone to go out and have fun with .
AH...to even have friends to share even one moment with or even get a coffeeand just have one good talk face to face with friends .
I have my girlfriend and no one as just a friend .
I dont even know or remember how long it has been this way.
Im not even sure i remember how to interact with friends face to face .
I guess im just a drag to be around and i bring everyone down when they are around me.
I AM SORRY FOR THAT !

I dont know what i have become ........Grave.