baelanabas I'm Online

...it was then that I realized the subtle difference between peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool.

You want to know me. I'm funnier than a clown car that's on fire. Not only am I funny, but I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. Like being able to download porn and talk to my mom on the phone at the same time smart. Borderline genius. If you want to have a conversation about quarks, super string theory, or the metaphysical ramifications of farting in public, then you are a FREAK... but that's cool, I'm more than happy to accommodate, besides, we freaks need attention too. I can't put any pictures of myself on here (or anywhere else) because the mere sight of me makes women's ovaries explode with anticipation. My pheromones alone have been known to make women orgasm at 30 paces. I can flip over a car with my tongue and breathe through my ears. There are only 3 truly bad-ass people on the planet, and the other two send ME Christmas cards. I once had sex in the bed of a tractor-trailer, and when I orgasmed some of my sperm shot into the dashboard... and thus, Optimus Prime was born. While traveling the world trying to find something cooler than myself, I happened across a Bedouin family that was dying of thirst in the desert. I saved their lives by squeezing grape Kool-Aid from a nearby rock. If I do send you a buddy request, it is because I think that you would make a fine devotee that will rejoice my victories and lament my losses. While in my fold, you will learn much. You will learn to appreciate ALL good music; from Vivaldi to The Brides of Funkenstein. You will memorize every last word to the movie Caddyshack...but mostly, you will just SHUT THE FUCK UP. In return for accepting my buddy request, you will have the distinct honor of having me in your featured buddies list, and if your devotion is great, I may even grace your page with a comment from time to time. By being added to my buddy list you will instantly become smarter, stronger, and more attractive... if not, just return the unused portion for a full refund.

I am currently in the process of improving myself through long devoted hours of introspection and the occasional glass (or bottle) of Shiraz.

I'm thinking about taking up a hobby of shark punching or maybe spend a summer in the Rocky Mountains teaching adolescent big horn sheep how to head butt.

I think that Sid Vicious said it best:
"I plived, ee gah a guh. Dee geh ma ga, I luh da ard wuh. An mo, muh mo dan diih, I DID IT MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAY!!!"

Message me if you think that you can hold my interest for more than a day or two, but you had better be interesting. Since most don't know what is considered interesting let me set some examples:

A story of "I once found a Cheeto shaped like Jesus" is only mildly interesting. A story of "I once single handedly defended our planet from an invading army of triple breasted space monkeys armed only with a tuning fork and a bendy straw.", well now THAT would be really interesting (although I'd probably require a bullet-proof plexiglass divider should you like to tell the story in person). So let's shoot for something in the middle, mmmkay?

...or if you know what movie this quote is from:

"Ain't logical. Cuttin' on his own face, rapin' and murdering - Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman, or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid."