disprov99 I'm Online

I'm Courtney. My brain is a pile of confusion, mixed with self destruction and a loss of hope. In between all those layers of massacre is more confusion, yearning, desire and a bunch of stuff i have yet to name. I'm pretty sure that its eating itself as i speak so i better say this quick. I plan on being someone some day, but don't we all? I plan to be a writer, a chef, a lover, a hater, a musician, an artist, your best friend. I'm anything you want me to be, and more. But i won't change for you. Take me as i am, (quoting nirvana wasn't exactly what i had in mind) cause i am me. And there is no power strong enough to take that away. I'm in love with someone that i never thought i'd be. I've been hurt so badly by someone that i just want to lie on the floor covered in my own vomit and die. I think about them when it rains. I go outside and sit in the grass and scream, tears meshing as the clouds leak. I dream of acid rain, eating everything, including me. I don't wake up scared, or frightened, i think that its eventually going to happen to all of us. I don't really understand myself all that well. I have these crazy thoughts and dreams and i can't express my emotions. I've got down insane, frustrated, hurt and excited. The rest are yet to come. I see music in colors. If you don't know what i'm saying, sucks to be you. I measure life based on sentences said. And i live to hear the ones not yet spoken. I should come with a warning lable. seriously. Its insane. I have mood swingsthat are classified on the richter scale. I laugh too much, at absolutely nothing. But i can't help it, i love to laugh. Laughter is when a smile has an orgasim. And i love it. If you make me laugh, you're my new best friend. I'm friends with empty brains and twisted thoughts. They don't leave me alone and i look to them for comfort. I'm standing still, and the world is moving around me. I want it to stop, and wait for me. I just need to catch my breath. Please, don't move on without me. Right now, is one of the times i don't want to be an indivisual. I want to belong to something. I want to fit in somewhere. I want to be good at something. I think that we are all just a number, in a really long code. Everyone of us is a single number. our planet is just a mole on some giant monster somewhere. When it rains, they are taking a shower, or crying. when its hot, they are over heating. Our planet is moving 13 thousand miles an hour. if it were to just stop, we'd all go flying off the planet, and die. Thats just the way i think. Its something i think about every day. One day i will turn into a wolverine and eat your face. (thank you to the only person who actually understands this.) I'm glad she wished for world domination. But im upset that she got natural destruction. I love being wild and crazy with her, thats the only person who i can actually be myself around and not regret it. We joke, A LOT! What can i say, i have random moments of hitting her and she has 'no' tarrets. We can't help it. One of my favorite lines in a song is 'Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster.' I know, Panic! At The Disco, wtf? but thats one of my favorite lines ever created. I think im too complex. Or that the whole human race is too complex. Everyone with their emotions, and thoughts and feelings... sure, it makes people interesting, but it makes it more complicated to stay content with someone. I don't really understand myself sometimes. Sometimes being an understatement. All the time, now thats more like it. The room is spinning again, please, stop me. Im reaching for help, but i keep hitting my arms on the walls, giving me black bruises and bloody fists. Once i realize that the walls are people, and that my eyes have been shut i look down at the damage. Nothing too serious, blunt force trama, missing teeth, puddles of blood. Nothing some stiches and clorox couldn't fix. All im asking for is one minute of sanity, a second of complete silence, and 30 minutes of nothing. Thats all i want. No yelling, or nagging, or complaining. No anything, just me and a room full of silence. Then again, i'd probably go insane from all the echoing.